The Secret to Love is Kindness and Validation: Using the GIVE Skill and Validation to Improve Relationships

John Gottman, the famed relationships researcher, has published many important studies over the last forty years on what exactly makes relationships successful. In 2014, the Atlantic posted a wonderful article (linked below) on how much validation and kindness toward your loved ones facilitates healthy and functional relationships. The study highlighted in the article notes that Gottman found that he could predict with 94% accuracy whether a couple will break up, stay together unhappily, or have a functional and healthy relationship. Gottman focuses on the impact of how couples respond to one another, even in the most mundane of circumstances or situations, and found that active, constructive responses to bids for attention fueled connection and trust, which is essentially utilizing the DBT GIVE skill. Validation, which can simply mean paying attention and showing interest in your loved ones, and responding with kindness, keeps relationships in tact and afloat.

The GIVE skill, part of the interpersonal effectiveness module, is what we call the relationship skill. When maintaining a healthy relationship with the person you’re interacting with imperative, the GIVE skill is prioritized.

GIVE stands for:
Gentle (Be) 
Interested (Act) 
Validate 
Easy Manner (Use an)

1. BE GENTLE
We all respond more positively and less defensively when approached with gentleness. Being ‘gentle’ in DBT terms means not using attacks, threats, or judgments and shaming behavior when the going gets tough. In group and individual therapy, we focus on learning how to express anger or other difficult emotions directly without engaging in communication that distances us from others. Being gentle helps keep people feelings like they’re on the same team. Not making threats, especially in arguments, is paramount to creating a safe atmosphere for communication, as is being able to tolerate a ‘no’ or boundary setting. Finally, avoiding judgments includes not using should statements, engaging in name-calling, or utilizing a condescending tone.

2. Act Interested 
This is our first level of validation in DBT. Pay attention! Get off of your phone, listen to what they’re saying, avoid interruptions, and give that person space to communicate. Gottman’s research focuses on turning toward your partner — it doesn’t mean necessarily agreeing with everything that is being said, but genuine interest goes a long way in terms of others feeling supported, understood, and respected.

3. Validate 
Validate the person's emotions, stated desires, and opinions. There is a kernel of truth to be found in each situation, regardless of whether you may feel the same way, think the same way, or want the same things. This can be done by the aforementioned acting interested (giving someone your attention to communicate), reflecting back what you’re hearing from them (verbally or non-verbally) to ensure you’re understanding their perception and what they’re trying to communicate, noting and observing that their experience makes sense based on their own vulnerabilities and past experiences, or because anyone would feel that way in that situation, or by being radically genuine in your responses.

4. Use an Easy manner 
Be lighthearted! Smile, use a gentle tone, relax your body posture. All of these things have both a physiological impact on how you’re feeling, and how the other person will perceive you (and decrease defensiveness!)

Check out the linked article to read more about how using the GIVE skill can have a lasting and massive impact on your relationships.

https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/

-Liz Johnson