Let's Talk About Shame
What is shame?
Shame is one of the most common emotions we experience, yet it is also one of the most complex. It is often accompanied by the thought, “there is something wrong with me” or “I am bad,” extending to more intense labels such as “crazy,” “damaged,” or “loser.” The fear is that if people truly knew the real you or some of the things you have done, they would reject you. Shame can profoundly affect self-esteem, leading individuals to conceal aspects of themselves for fear of negative judgment by others.
We often conflate shame and guilt. Simply put, shame is the cousin of guilt. We usually feel guilt when we act against our values. Guilt, while uncomfortable, is usually helpful as it motivates us to act and apologize to those we have harmed, thus repairing and maintaining relationships. In simple terms, guilt is “I did something wrong,” and shame is “I am wrong.”
How does shame affect us?
Experiencing shame triggers an instinct to withdraw, fearing rejection from those we value. This emotion hinders our ability to connect, receive love, and find support, fostering loneliness and isolation. Shame can also intensify emotions, which may increase suicidal ideation and make people act on urges to self-harm.
How do we cope with shame?
Understanding and working to change shame are primarily targeted in the emotion regulation module of DBT. It is important that when an emotion is not justified and/or ineffective to act on it, we must practice the skill of opposite action. Shame, the notion that something is inherently wrong with us, is inherently unjustified. Therefore, we must resist the urge to retreat, isolate, or engage in maladaptive coping behaviors like self-harm and substance use. These action urges are ineffective as they often go against long-term goals of making connections and living a meaningful life. Increasing self-compassion serves as the antidote to shame. Many people come to therapy seeking to “increase self-esteem,” with the common theme being that this is achieved by targeting shame and recognizing oneself as a whole and valid person deserving of love and kindness, even from oneself.